After what happened today, I don’t think I’m going to leave my house ever again.
As my cousin in America posts pictures of deer wandering through her backyard delighting in freshly fallen snow, we in Australia have to deal with wildlife that will literally eat or kill you and even if it won’t kill you, it looks like it will. Sure, we have sharks. They eat people. We have brown snakes that can kill with one bite. We have crocs. We also have the worlds most deadly animal, the box jellyfish BUT the scariest bloody animals live in our back yards. Reptiles.
I’ve had it, enough already with the reptiles that are trying to co-habitate with me. As if it’s not enough that I have toddlers so clingy they want to re-enter my uterus, there is now a plethora of wildlife knocking at my backdoor just aching to get in and terrorise us. Not only do they try, they succeed and I spend copious amounts of time trying to calm my nerves wondering where the little buggers have disappeared to.
Hubby and I were sitting outside enjoying a quiet wine outside tonight when we heard a rustle in the garden. As calm as buddhist monk, he mentions that it may be the F.R.O.G that he just saw jump across our back stairs into the garden.
A frog? WTF? How big? He gave me the measurement and here’s what I imagined I was dealing with:
Yes, that’s how big my fear is. The smallest frog looks like this in my brain. I flipped out. Literally. HOW ON EARTH DO WE NOW HAVE FROGS IN OUR BACKYARD? The frogs timing has only added to my fear as I was out the back today to take a very important phone call, whilst pretending that I didn’t have children and was behaving in a very professional manner when…..I am sure I heard 45 lizards make their move. They were stalking me and I was surrounded….I had a choice, go back inside and have to endure the squawking of two young children fighting over a Hot Wheels car (there are 45 of them in the house too, why that one?) or just continue with my conversation and prepare to take on the lizards. As I proceeded with the conversation here’s what I imagined I was dealing with:
The reality is they look like this:
Whatever they look like, my fear of them is so huge I’ve been known to call hubby at a moments notice and demand that he come home and save me from the lizard attacks (he just laughs. No he PISSES himself laughing and hangs up on me). They’re fast and the little buggers love invading my house. Once they’re in, they’re not like birds who fly around the house flying into every window and giving themselves brain damage in the process (minor birds are so fecking dumb). Birds try every window to escape back to freedom until they rest for a while and finally find the massive open door you are guiding them to. Nope, not lizards, they want to live with you like a rent free housemate and they are IMPOSSSIBLE to get out of your house. I hate them.
Strangely, I’m fine with possums, they just run at the sight of a human. I’m even fine with the odd spider here or there, I’m so dumb that I can’t tell my Red Backs from my Funnel Webs so if I can kill it with an entire can of mortein or a shoe, I feel safe but O.M.G, frigging reptiles cause me panic attacks and neck pain from the way I move so quickly whenever I see something representing a reptile.
I’m not sure if cockroaches are reptiles but they too cop the wrath of my anger and fear rolled into one. I use the most lethal bug sprays on anything that even dares enter my house. Except one. I have one arsehole cockroach which only appears in my bathroom late at night and only appears when I’m on the toilet. It gets itself into a position where I cannot reach it to kill it and it’s behind the toilet so I spend most of my time on the loo stretching my neck to ensure it doesn’t try to go places that it’s not welcome. THIS HAPPENS EVERY TIME I GO TO THE TOILET LATE AT NIGHT. It’s a vampire cockroach. I can’t explain the stress it causes not to mention the neck pain I have trying to protect myself from the cockroach making a bolt for my nether regions.
Everyone has that one animal that they fear. My sister who has a fear of most animals has just moved into a new house. They live in a beautiful area of Sydney which is known for its beautiful green bushland and stunning homes but unbeknown to her at the time, she also inherited two random black bush turkeys. Her fear of the bush turkeys and their sense of entitlement to wander through her backyard and befriend her two toddlers as if they own the joint led her to call the local pest control to see what she could do about her two new enemies which she has named Kanye and Quade (I’m not even going to explain the names, work it out!). Her worst nightmare came true when the pest control told her bad luck, they’re protected and she can’t kill them. She’s stuck with the bush turkeys for life.
At least they keep the reptiles away.
Would love to hear what animals you have visiting your house on a regular basis, comment below!