Loving the Winter Olympics and all it represents but can’t help but compare each event to motherhood and the challenges we have to endure:
Opening Ceremony – The start of a new year, you’re fresh, keen, ready to take this family to new levels of gold. This is the year of winning and you’re going to be the best God damn competitor you can be. Everyone will look crisp in their uniforms and they play to win.
Curling: Someone chucks shit on the floor and you need to sweep the crap up after them – leave it too long and it hardens (see previous post about Weet-Bix)
Slope Style (the crazy snowboarders who do tricks on snowboards): Your constant efforts to look totally on trend, cool and controlled in front of your friends but often end up falling flat on your face (because you haven’t worn heels for 5 years).
Slalom: The manic rush in the mornings to get hubby and family out the door in the morning.
Giant Slalom: When you’re minding your sister’s kids as well as your own and have to do the same routine as the slalom.
Half-Pipe: The constant to and fro of walking past the same stuff every day and doing backflips to pick up crap off the floor, around the house you feel like you’re so dizzy that it’s never going to end.
Ski-Jump – It’s like getting pregnant. At the top of the jump, you’re up for it. You start the pregnancy and you start thinking oh shit, you go into labour and AWAYYYYYY YOU GOOOOOO – too late now!
Ice Hockey – The constant ducking to avoid flying toys, balls and apparatus across your house and defending glass windows to avoid a tragic end.
Ice Dancing – The attempt to put on sexy lacy costume that is way too small for you in effort to have sexy times with husband whilst looking out to ensure you’re not ‘judged’ on your performance (aka kids)
Speed Skating – Sexy times minus the lace.
Luge – Trying to get home from work on time with a little bit of time up your sleeve.
Skeleton – Trying to get home from work on time in peak hour traffic and knowing that your pre-school charges $5 per minute that you’re late.
Bobsleigh – Driving children to school, sport and other activities at breakneck speed with no consideration for the well being of the small people behind you. Just get to the end destination before everyone else is the motto of the day.
Closing Ceremony – You no longer give a shit about winning. Winning is for losers. You no longer want to be part of a team, screw the uniforms, they’re dirty now anyway and those award winning kids are just bratty over achievers. Now you are just happy to have qualified getting your kids into the next grade. Yes, that is an achievement. All you want is holidays and turning up to the end of year ceremonies just makes you glad it’s all over.