The Mum Network

What happened when our boys asked about the birds and the bees…..

So the Big Guy and I just had the ‘talk’ with our older boys. We didn’t mean to. I just happened and when timing is right you have to strike.

I’ve always been a fairly open character about everything and if the kids ask, I try to answer with 100% honesty.

“Is pizza bad for you?”


“What happens if you take drugs?”

“You die”

“What happens if I don’t wear a seatbelt?”

“The police come over and take you away to boarding school”

“Is Santa real?”

“Yep, if you don’t believe, you don’t receive AND see all those cameras in the ceiling of EVERY shop and shopping centre in the world, well they’re ALL direct links to Santa’s workshop”

Yep, that’s me, 100% honesty ALL THE WAY.

I can’t remember my Mum ever having one specific ‘talk’ with me, I always knew about everything. Sex discussions were never a big deal in our house. I wanted my kids to have the same experience where it was always just ‘known’. BUT, I never knew I was going to have FOUR boys and only one innocent little girl who sits bang in the middle of two big boys and two little boys.

Miss 6 thinks that you get babies by kissing in the kitchen. One kiss means you’re getting a boy and two kisses means you’re getting a girl. She has developed that theory herself. We will be keeping that theory for a while thank you very much.

Boy stuff is foreign to me. With two younger brothers and a younger sister I was allowed to be the oldest, break down the barriers, be the first to do everything and therefore in my self absorbed world I didn’t really have to get involved with boy stuff like boners and hair and voices changing so I’ve never had to discuss it and I seriously thought I’d have more time to prepare for “the talk”…….

So tonight I was following up on my recent efforts to talk ‘to’ my kids and not ‘at’ them, I was sitting with Mr 8 and Mr 9  discussing an upcoming dance where they’re practicing with girls. They’re both pretty cool with it and it’s no biggie. I asked them both if there was anyone in their grade that they liked (well I was just trying to be open and chilled with them). Cue giggles. FITS OF GIGGLES. Both of them. They were nudging each other to tell me;

“You first”,

“No, YOU first, I’ve told you MINE”

I didn’t know whether to tell them that at this age (8 and 9) that girls are just ‘friends’ (why did I even bring it up!) or be proud that the little bro’s had confided in each other

What followed floored me. I mean, I thought I was pretty cool and all over it but I just wasn’t prepared.

“Is liking girls like sex and stuff?” Mr Cool 8 year old asked.

“Woah….” I thought. Wasn’t prepared for this at all. We just went from a dance to sex….damn, this generation ARE moving fast.

After ascertaining what they knew and where they got the information from, I realized that the school yard had got to some important detail prior to me. In less than 1.3 seconds I ascertained I needed to spill……

”Big Guy, BIG GUY, COME IN HERE NOW!!!!!!!”.

This wasn’t a conversation I was going to have without him. I was prepared to hand over the reigns and sit in support of my all knowing husband who handles all situations with minimum stress and fuss, especially boy stuff, but NO, he dumped me in it, big time;

“This should be good, you go ahead….” He said with an evil chuckle.

So I started…..

And what came out was something out of Ye Olde Fashioned Housewives Guide to Love:

“Well boys….when two people love each other………..”

WTF? Where am I, the 1960’s? Clearly watching Love Child last night had taken me back to the dark ages. The most important things my kids are going to learn and I start with that? “C’mon”, I thought  “get your shit together………..”

Nope I ummed and ahhhed, fumbled and was COMPLETELY LOST FOR WORDS my very capable and unflappable hubby took over telling them very factual but not too much information about the birds and the bees.  They asked sensible questions. He responded. They said it was gross. We kind of agreed, because at 8 and 9, it is gross.

I will spare you the detail and them the embarrassment as this BLOG will possibly be here a lot longer than they will want it to be but it all went well and let’s just say I’m glad that initial discussion is sorted and that they were mature enough to handle it. I’m hoping swearing them to secrecy forevermore will work too otherwise the playdates and party invites may just dry up from tomorrow onwards.

I’m also hoping they don’t remember how floored their Mum was. First time in my life I was lost for words.

Will do better next time!


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