The Mum Network

The day I went to the shops dressed as Where’s Wally

Had one of those horrid days where I just had bad mojo today.

– Woke up, Mr 1 was in a filthy mood for the third day in a row. Has developed a serious allergy to what appears to be 90% of all food types. Can’t figure out what it is but develops face and body rash every time he eats, then cries. Repeat. Have exactly one week between trips away to sort out allergy kid.

– Big Guy took Kluger into Toyota for new part because the temperature thingy that controls the thingy for the engine thingy is rooted. Naturally it shat itself three days before driving to the snow. It would be just our luck for us to need the fancy temperature bits on the 4WD that we’ve never used before now – no need to risk it. That’ll be $500 for a part that cost $30 – thanks.

– Fortunately still have trusty and embarrassing Tarago to cart children around in, pile them in, haven’t driven stupid van since the crash. Flat battery. Joy. NOW STUCK IN THE HOUSE ALL DAY WITH 5 KIDS WITH CABIN FEVER. No, wait, shit, one kid is missing. Where is he? Oh yes, that’s why I was leaving the house. Call my friend Sarah, beg her to pick him up from basketball camp. Can do, PHEW. Thanks Sarah. Then call The Big Guy and explain my problem. He can come home and fix car but only toward the end of the day as he is very important and must make important phone calls to the USA and do conference calls and meetings. Later babe, Love you. Yep, not sure I love you too, I’m now at home with 5 feral children and no way to escape them.

– Meantime, in the time it took me to make one phone call, Mr 1 has emptied the Tupperware cupboard onto kitchen floor, poured 2 litres of FREEZING water from the fridge on top of Tupperware and himself, slipped on water, thumped his head, thumped his brother, taken himself to bathroom to sort out own injury, opened full packet of bandaids and put 5 pairs of socks in the toilet. Love toddlers.

–  Open wardrobe to start packing for impending holiday. Have already given very cool ski outfit to friend to borrow because pants and jacket were a bit tight (oh ok, the zippers on each item didn’t meet, in fact they came no where near each other). Search facebook for pics of previous holiday to snow to see what I wore because baby no 4 was only 6 weeks old. Surely I owned some fat ski clothes? Nope, wore the cool canary yellow jacket and it was swimming on me, that was 6 weeks after giving birth. Am reminded of conversation with sister earlier this week where I tried on her jacket that I often borrow and again, can’t get it done up. I’m surprised, she wasn’t. She gives me that look that only a sister can give that says “you really have no idea how fat you are do you?”. I have serious reverse anorexia, I look in the mirror and see someone far skinnier than the real me. I show sister a groovy jacket and pants combo I had purchased at Aldi. She is allergic to all things Aldi and therefore gives me another look that simply says “You have officially lost your mind, your sense of style is a disaster and no sister of mine is skiing down the mountains in purple puffer pants, go shopping”. Right -e-oh then.

– Before shopping, make lunch, 4 out of 5 want noodles. DONE. Mr 4 asks for a bowl of cooked mushrooms with nuts please Mum. WTF? What does he think I am, a chef? Clearly I am as what Sir wants, Sir gets.
Screen Shot 2014-07-03 at 11.28.08 pm

– Convince the Princess of the house that cleaning the grout in the tiles in the kitchen is a fun thing to do, it’s like playing Cinderella (yes, I actually did convince her). Big Guy finally home to fix car but can’t talk for long because he has another very important meeting to be on conference call for, he’ll be in the office for the remainder of the day, being important. Fair enough. Convince him Princess is doing a Cinderella routine and baby asleep, can I sneak out with Mr 9, Mr 8 and Mr 4 only? Sure! ARGH, WHAT A MISTAKE.


Cinderella cleaning the grout in the tiles and loving it

Cinderella cleaning the grout in the tiles and loving it


– Go to shops, makeup free. No style at all. Bump into cool fellow journo from my News Ltd days 20 something years ago. Haven’t seen her in years. She still looks hot. Three kids in tow, all behaving. Meantime my 2nd and 4th are literally wrestling in front of Jeans West and knock over three clothing racks in the process. I’m trying to look like I have my shit together, mention I have 5 kids, she says something about that many kids being hectic and stressful. Yeah….you RECKON? I’m trying to find some wrinkles on her face, there are none. This is a common theme this week, every friend I have caught up is reverse ageing. Can tell she’s looking at me thinking ‘fark, you’re massive”. Well possibly not but I was wearing boyfriend jeans and up top I looked like a black and white version of “Where’s Wally” (I am not kidding, see pic below). My boyfriend jeans are so baggy they really could be called husband jeans because I honestly think they would fit the Big Guy. Jeans fell down three times to expose bum crack. Great.

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Unintentionally dressed like a B&W version of Where’s Wally today and then went out in public.


– Enter Rebel with intention to puchase discounted items. Naturally the only jacket that fits is not discounted. Three boys are playing hide and seek amongst sale items. Wrecking the joint basically. Try on pants, cannot bring self to purchase an XL in ladies so settle on a SML in the mens section. Seriously, it’s that bad. The men’s pants were better anyway as a I don’t have a Kim Kardashian derrière. Depart and head to Target to purchase singlets so that my Mum, who is coming with us on holiday, doesn’t have a conniption about kids skiing with no singlets. She’s obsessed with singlets. Standing in line after boys have purchased their 1000th effing Lego pack with own money. Big Guy calls, “um….where are you, Mr 9 is playing basketball in 9 minutes” – SHIIIIIIITTTTTTTEEEEE

– Get to basketball 2 mins late. Big Guy has arrived in a hurry and pulled Mr 1 out of bed and forgotten to bring food he will no doubt be allergic to, he hasn’t eaten in about 5 hours. Court canteen is closed oh and no jumper. The kid is freezing, hungry and feral. Watch son’s Year 4 team get demolished by older, taller, fitter and much better Year 6 girls team. Hard to watch but good lesson for the boys. Don’t underestimate the girls!

– Message just through, must get back to real work now as it’s 11:30pm and the work day has just started………pleased to start over tomorrow. May try dressing like Harry Potter for a laugh.

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